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Get Inside His Head

Seducing a man is about much more than low-cut blouses and come-hither glances.
It's about making him feel like he can do anything, be anything...It's more about opening doors for a man. It's not your job to make him walk through. It's enough to show him the door exists. So how do you locate a man's secret self? It boils down to three steps.

Watch closely for the spark that lights him up

Do not expect a man to be aware of his true inner self. If he knows it, or even dimly suspects it, he has probably cloaked it in disguises; the motorcycle tough guy, the comedian, the ladies' man. The truth may be the thing he hides from most people. So you've got to look closely for clues.

Often we use the movies to help us dream. So watch what makes him perk up in a movie, says Dr. Carle. "Then ask him about it," she says; if it's a sunset, does he want to paint the sunset, photograph it, ride a horse toward it, write a poem about it?

Looking for clues is tricky. David Pesci, a 36-year-old never married writer (and author of the novel Amistad), admits that he doesn't know a good way for a woman to learn about him. But he does reveal that he has at least 3 sides to him: funny on a date, serious in his writing and savage in martial arts. "But that might scare a woman off," he says of the last one.

If I had to play a hunch, I'd go watch one of his karate workouts, get a glimpse of the "ferocious" David who doesn't come out anywhere else, the David who might not be acceptable. (Water the part of a guy that doesn't get watered.) I'd wonder if it connected in some way to his choice of novel subject matter. If you saw last year's film based on David's novel, you'd know that Amistad is the story of an act of violence followed by a relentless quest for justice. Maybe it makes sense to talk to David about the crusader inside him. Do you see how this works?

Lure the secret self you find in him to come out

Let's say a guy turns out to be well-informed about scuba-diving. You should bone up a little bit on scuba-diving, yes, but look beyond his fascination with scuba-diving.

How does scuba-diving become a clue to his passionate secret hopes about himself? Maybe he sees himself as scientifically curious or as having an unusual vitality that he extracts from the natural world. Once you've figured him out, ask him open-ended questions about his secret passion, like "What's it like to go scuba-diving?" or "How do you know so much?" or "You never turn your mind off, do you? You're always asking questions about the world."

Show him that you see the hidden side of him. If your relationship progresses, your sense of deep understanding will grow stronger and form the basis of everything you do. The most intense loves of life make you feel like you can do anything, be anything.

Once you've discovered what's in his soul, give yourself an important role

Once you've figured out his secret self, you want to put yourself in the picture. Helen would not have made the same impression on her co-worker Alex if she had said, "I love the way you sing Springsteen." Maybe people say that to Alex a lot. She was clever enough to suggest that he has something so spectacular to share with her that she would want to hear it in the last moments of her life. She gave herself a role.

In fact, singing Springsteen may not be what it's all about. Even Alex may not know what it's all about. All he knows is that, when he's singing and strumming his guitar, he feels bigger than himself, and he likes to feel that way as often as possible. If Helen can make that happen, she owns him.

Getting a guy to fall in love with you is, ultimately, about understanding him and empowering him to be the self he always wanted to be.

Why should you have to devote all this time and energy discovering some guy's inner core? Why isn't he doing this for you instead? And if you two are meant for one another, why is all this calculation and sleuthing necessary?

Those are good questions

You shouldn't have to do this, but the horrible truth is: Men fix in their minds some rigid stereotype for the perfect woman and completely ignore pretty much everybody who doesn't fit it.

So you may be standing there in plain view, obviously perfect for him, obviously unattached, obviously lovely in many respects. And because you fail to match up, in three or four minor ways, with his mental stereotype, he will fail to consider you at all.

So now you know a way to break through his programming and get his complete attention. But he's got to understand you, too. In fact, if he doesn't ask questions about the under-acknowledged sides of you pretty soon, you should wonder whether he cares as much as you do and whether he's worth such special attention from you.

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